Venice Versimilitudes

If there's one thing you'll consistently hear when researching Venice, it's how "unlike any other city" it is. While Jay and I found this true for the most part (what other place in the world has more canals than sidewalks and isn't accessible by car?), simply confirming its indescribability hardly constitutes an interesting blog post.

Instead, I thought I'd challenge myself (and Jay) to give an impression of this unique city with one of my most favorite rhetorical devices: analogy.

[Disclaimer: No, this post is not 1000 words. Apparently Italy makes you lazy. Or rebellious. Or both.]


TRANSPORTATION

Attempting to navigate Venice on foot is like working your way through Labyrinth without even David Bowie to give you a clue.

Taking a gondola in Venice is like eating at the top of the Space Needle; nobody actually does it, but everyone kind of secretly wants to.

Taking a bus in Venice is like being the bagged goldfish carnival prize of a small child with a compulsion to shake things.


SIGHTSEEING

Using a map in Venice is like trying to operate The Enterprise without Captain Jean-Luc Picard.

The Piazza San Marco in Venice is like Times Square in New York, but instead of TVs there is architecture and instead of Naked Cowboys there are pigeons.

Bridges in Venice are like bridges anywhere else; charming at first, but in ten seconds you're over them. (Puns!)

Rialto Market in Venice is like Pike Place Market in Seattle -- except if you asked a man to throw a fish here he might throw you into the canal instead.

Strolling along the Laguna Veneta (with a scarf) feels like being a Roman goddess evaluating her next bad-ass move.

Churches in Venice are like Christmas trees... at Christmas.

FOOD & DRINK

Having a macchiato in Venice is like sliding into a bed of freshly-laundered sheets.

Avoiding pasta in Venice (okay, in Italy) is about as conceivable as avoiding fried food at a county fair.

Deciding to eat pizza in Venice for the third night in a row is THE BEST IDEA YOU WILL EVER HAVE.

Eating gelato in Venice is like 1000 angels descending through the clouds, toying with your taste buds, and never staying long enough to deliver full satisfaction.

Eating anything besides pasta, pizza, and gelato in Venice is like Dude, Where's My Car? except "Dude" is the seductive Italian waiter and the car is your money.


CONVERSATION

Asking for directions in Venice is like asking for condoms from the pope.

Receiving directions in Venice is like receiving a kiss on the cheek from Don Corleone.

Being offered a plate of homemade spaghetti in the event you can't find your way after all in Venice is like being made a Goodfella.

Saying "Prego" in Venice is like saying "I'm ready" in English, but it feels like saying "You have a big belly and I suspect there's a baby inside."


MISCELLANEOUS

Masquerade masks in Venice are like roses in summer; everywhere, but who's complaining, really?

The post office in Venice is like the post office in any other city: full of long lines and huffy, frustrated people.

Finding a public bathroom in Venice is like catching the golden snitch in a game of Quiddich.

Side streets in Venice are like every coffee shop in Seattle that is not a Starbucks.

Shutters in Venice are like flowers at a farmer's market; plentiful and always Instagram-worthy.

Wisteria in Venice is like ivy in England; capable of making just about anything picturesque.

(even me.)

Saying farewell to Venice is like falling asleep on your dad's shoulder while he carries you home from the park.