London in Lists

THINGS TO DISCUSS/DEBATE WITH A BRIT OVER AFTERNOON TEA:
1) The London tube vs. The NYC subway
2) The stupidity of American reality television
3) The extraordinary concept that #notallAmericans act like people from the southern states
4) The best way to get anywhere from the nearest train/tube stop
5) Which scone spreading method is superior: Devon (jam, and then cream) or Cornish (cream, and then jam)
6) The various causes of American obesity (pro tip: Nod along with every theory they throw out there, however off-base it may be.)
7) What a Jersey Accent sounds like (optional subtopic: Joe Pesci)
8) Everything wrong with Hershey chocolate

BRITISH SUBURBAN DIFFERENCES THAT ARE BIZARRE AND/OR INTRIGUING:
1) A dirth of laundry dryers means everyone still uses clotheslines [bizarre]
2) "Pickle" is not a single pickle but a spread, "chips" are obviously french fries, "scones" are sweet biscuits, "biscuits" are cookies (but then so are "cookies"), "cakes" are not just for birthdays, and everything yummy tastes "nice." [bizarre and intriguing]
3) Marmite.  [BIZARRE]
4) Meat + Starch + (Pastry) Bread = full, balanced meal [bizarre -- and bowel-bothering]
5) Pristinely-tended lawns, called "gardens" [intriguing]
6) Hidden appliances [intriguing -- and a little exciting]
7) Heated towel racks are a bathroom standard [intriguing and brilliant]
8) Teatime is Everytime [intriguing because YES]

THINGS YOU CAN BUY AT SAINSBURY'S:
1) Packaged breakfast food.
2) Unrefrigerated eggs.
3) Frozen dinners.
4) All the candy.

THINGS YOU *CANNOT* BUY AT SAINSBURY'S:
1) Toothpaste.
2) Good beer.
3) Anything appetizing for dinner.

THINGS JAY HAS SAID IN A BRITISH ACCENT:
1) "It's time for teeeeeeeea!"
2) "I'm a swaaaaaaaan."
3) "Shall we take a turn about the park?"
4) "Shall we start the tea kettle?"
5) "Shall we eat again?"
6) "Is it lunchtime, then?"
7) "Is that a BOOKSTORE?"

PEOPLE WHO HAVE ASKED US WHERE WE'RE FROM AND THE ADVICE THEY'VE BESTOWED ON US:
1) The lady baker who sold us a Cornish pasty // "Brighton?! In March? You're going to freeze."
2) The Brighton barista from whom we requested a *pub* recommendation // "A pub? Go to Murasaki. It's Japanese."
3) The generous tea house owner in Kent, named Fatosh // "Don't bother making money if you don't know how you want to use it."
4) The enthusiastically Greek pharmacy cashier // "If you are going to Bulgaria, then you really must go to Santorini."
5) Two day-drunk Welshies on the Central Line // "You got'eh geh' one a those belt fings... You know, the kind tha'll go 'round yer waist?" ("A money belt?") "Yeah, you got'eh geh' one a them fings." "Otherwise you'll be robbed blind!" "You'll be robbed blind..."
6) The lady behind the Harrods chocolate counter who I hoped might give us a free chocolate sample but didn't // "Have a nice day."

PLACES THAT WON'T BE FEATURED IN YOUR GUIDEBOOK BUT ARE WORTH A GANDER ANYWAY (AND WHY):
1) Holland/Dutch Gardens; Live peacocks freely wander here. Also, less tourists and a giant chess set.
2) The British Library; The potential to completely nerd out over a magnificent collection of literary treasures (first editions, original manuscripts.) From Charles Dickens to Beatrix Potter to John Lennon.
3) The Wallace Collection; Where else will you be allowed to wander freely through an antique-furnished house laden with museum-worthy Rococo art?
4) Fortnam and Mason; Because Harrod's on the weekend will be swamped with other tourists... and because they might let you sample fine whiskey and gin for free.
5) Hatchard's; It's the oldest bookstore in London. It has a windy old staircase and four floors of nicely-arranged books. (Note: There is a couch on the 2nd floor which overlooks Picadilly.)
6) Any collection of trash bins near heavily frequented fast food restaurants in back-alleys around dusk; If that setting doesn't sound sketchy enough to you, wait til you see an URBAN FOX saunter out from behind a pile of rubbish with a bucket of KFC leftovers in tow.

BELONGINGS THAT HAVE GONE TO RUBBISH SO FAR:
1) My travel purse's strap. (Helpful.)
2) Three fingers of my wool-blend gloves. (Who needs warm hands?)
3) A thrice-worn merino wool sweater. (Now child-sized for easy trasport! Thank you, 'Fine Materials' washing machine setting!)
4) The shoulder area of my favorite leather jacket. (Will. Not. Replace.)
5) My capacity to maintain consistent body temperature. (Sweat looks good on you, baby.)

RACHEL'S PLANS FOR A FUTURE, RICHER LIFE:
1) Groceries from Harrod's and the three-story Whole Foods.
2) Afternoon Tea at The Savoy most Wednesdays.
3) A plot of daffodils in Kensington Gardens, reserved for personal frolicing.
4) A writing apartment in Notting Hill (with lots of white space for thoughts) and another in the countryside, of course.
5) Horse Rides through Hyde Park.
6) Vintage fur coats from Portabello Road.
7) Custom-made fedoras and jacket tailoring by various shops in Covent Garden.

BRITISH FOODS WE HAVE SAMPLED (FROM MOST TO LEAST SATISFYING):
1) Afternoon Tea (including tea, scones, sandwiches, & cakes)
2) Full English Breakfast (including toast, sunny-side eggs, cooked mushrooms & tomatoes, sausage, English bacon, and Heinz baked beans)
3) Ploughman's Lunch
4) Lamb & Mint Pie
5) British Beers
6) Crumpets
7) McVitie's Digestive Biscuits
8) Jelly Babies (gummy candy, in case you were wondering)
9) Robinson's Squash (orange-flavored drink)
10) Steak Pasty
11) Hot Cross Bun
12) Marmite on Toast

THINGS WE WILL NOT MISS ABOUT LONDON IN THE SLIGHTEST:
1) Groups of touring preteen French students... EVERYWHERE.
2) People walking blindly into your path (typically because their face is in their cell phone.)
3) The pounds-to-dollar ratio.
4) Overpriced frozen yogurt.
5) The temptation of expensive, delicious-looking pastries around every corner.

THINGS WE WILL MOST CERTAINLY MISS ABOUT LONDON:
1) Widely available cream tea options.
2) Children answering museum tour guides' questions in adorable British accents.
3) Marvelously efficient transit systems.
4) People stopping on the street to help you the second you pull out a map.
5) Weird winding alleyways packed with interesting surprises.
6) Acres of parks with daffodil afflictions.